Thursday, July 7, 2011

Top Ten Observations made at the local water park over the 4th of July

No, you know you're not really alive--you're just a shadow falling behind.
And no matter how hard you try
You can't make the sun shine all the time
--Shine All the Time, Blue Moon Ghetto

I am still recovering from the holiday.  My skin has finally faded to a schoolgirl pink as opposed to a harlot red.  This year, hubby and I took the kids to the local water park, that bastion of coconut scented terror disguised as wholesome family fun.  In honor of this truly American rite of passage, I give you:

Top Ten Observations made at the local water park over the Fourth of July weekend:
10.  Although spray tans are all the rage, Oompa Loompa is not a color to emulate.  Unless your name is Snooki.
9.  My five year old in his Scooby Doo board shorts with plumber butt is damn cute.  Guy with the cut-off sweat pants in the wave pool?  Not so much.
8.  It is not patriotic to wear the American flag as swimwear.  When I gaze at Old Glory, I want my inner soundtrack to play Francis Scott Key, not the Milkshake song
7.  For men only:  wearing a cotton t-shirt in the pool only accentuates the part of you that you are trying to hide.  Doubly so if that t-shirt says Budweiser.
6.  Unless the Olympics are in town, Speedos are wrong.  Save the money in manscaping and spare fellow swimmers the banana hammock. 
5.  If there is a band-aid floating in the water, the nearest leg draws it like a tractor beam.
4.  There are no Cabana boys in Nebraska.  There are, however, a plethora of men who wear tube socks with sandals.

3.  The giant water slide has been sadly overlooked as a horror villain.  He Who Gives Enemas of Death would make an awesome Stephen King character.
2.  The girl who wears the bikini best is the one with the beautiful attitude.  But dudes will still stare longer at the woman with the biggest floatation devices.  

1.  Lifeguards are actually Cylons. There’s thousands of them across the world, yet they all resemble the same 8 people.  

Have a beautiful day, and go get some sun!  And don't forget the SPF.


  1. You are such a creative and funny writer! I would never come up with some of the words/phrases that you do...and once I read them, I think...Wow, how perfect is that?? I especially loved Oompa Loompa tans, He Who Gives Enemas of Death, and the biggest floatation devices! LOL.

  2. My favorite one was the lifeguard one. They DO all look alike.

  3. Went to a waterpark in Idaho over the weekend. All of it is true.

  4. LOL! You are friggin' hilarious, doc.
    This was a great read and made my Friday.

    I loved that you remembered the floatation devices, because I've always had a fetish for blow-up rings in the shape of cartoon characters.

  5. 'that bastion of coconut scented terror'

    Loved this. And you were just gettin' started. ;)

  6. You are freaking hilarious. I think that is one of the funniest top ten lists I've ever read. I love the oompa loompa comment and the "It is not patriotic to wear the American flag as swimwear. When I gaze at Old Glory, I want my inner soundtrack to play Francis Scott Key, not the Milkshake song", so, so funny! I saw a lot of those last year. Scary!!

  7. Sun! I'd love some sun! We don't get much in my neck of Washington State. What we do have in common with Nebraska, however, is No Cabana Boys. Sigh.

  8. "...schoolgirl pink as opposed to a harlot red." Hahaha!

    Even Snooki has no excuse for looking like an oompa -loompa.

  9. OMG, you are too funny. It would be funnier if I didn't also live in Nebraska. The "enemas of death" are going to give me nightmares. Thanks for that!


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