Thursday, December 15, 2011

Stop Me If You Think That You've Heard This One Before--aka The Deja Vu Blogfest

LYRIC O' THE DAY:
I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell I wait and bleed
--Wait and Bleed, Slipknot  


Have you ever wanted a do-over?  A chance to just step away from the cakes that say "Eat Me". . . or perhaps you would take an even bigger bite.  I wrestle with the do-over desire daily, although the things I end up wanting to do-over most are the things I didn't do.  And that sucks doo-doo.


The quirky quantum quartet of Creepy Query GirlNicole Ducleroir, Lydia Kang and DL Hammons have given me the chance to have a do over--at least with a blog post.  The Deja Vu Blogfest is a chance to dig out a dusty post, slap a new dress on it and call it shiny and improved.  Sort of like turkey leftovers.  Or Joan Rivers.  That being said, when I was looking through my posts, I didn't really think there was anything so earth shattering that it needed to be replicated.  So I chose something near and dear to my romance writer's heart.  Because if anything is worth repeating, it's got to be some hot sex cliches.


Top Ten Things Romance Novels Oversell


Disclaimer--not for those uncomfortable with images of sexy times.
It’s no secret I am a huge fan of romance novels--I love to read them and write them as well.  I even love the “bad” romances, embracing every cliche as I sink happily into HEA bliss.  However, I don’t think it has altered my perception of reality, as some would assert.  Susan Quilliam says just that in her recent article, which falls into the same tone as the YA argument that examining darkness breeds darkness.  I tend to disagree; I think most readers enjoy a good romance novel for the temporary suspension of the real, not-so-titillating parts of actual relationships.  Like laundry.  And paying bills.  And being dog-tired after a day of work but still having to make dinner and change diapers.  But I’m confident those readers are well aware of what is real, and what is artistic license.
Some of the fantasies portrayed in romances are good--the strong, self sufficient heroine who meets the hero on equal ground, demanding respect and orgasms.  Some are not so good--unrealistic physical ideals, coercion, or unsafe sex.  Some are just unbelievable as hell--the brooding male scoundrel suddenly transformed into a sensitive white knight faster than you can say throbbing manroot.  But I believe I’m far more likely to become disillusioned by watching the five o’clock news than I am by picking up the latest NYT bestseller.
I would like the pseudo-intelligentsia to stop assuming that readers are silly feeble-minded lemmings who cannot possibly discern fiction from day-to-day living.  That a woman with a romance novel is a slobbering porn addict unable of creating a fulfilling relationship outside of fiction central because she’s looking for Mr. Perfect.  Hogwash.
So I made this list, just in case anyone out there is having difficulty separating reality from the realm of romancey goodness:

Top Ten Things that Romance Novels Oversell:
10. Men with long hair.  I’m a huge fan of this image, and there’s definitely some Hollywood long hairs that make me swoon.  But in my experience, most hirsuit Joe Blows either resemble the sensitive ponytail man that Singles made famous or one of the dudes from Sons of Anarchy.  And not Jax or Opie.
9. Funtimes in the shower.  My hubby is 6’4”.  I am 5’3” on a proud day.  Sharing a shower always results in one of us (i.e. me) nearly drowning and the other shivering in the periphery of the shower spray.  And if you don’t have those plastic appliques that your grandma used in her bathtub on the floor, hip fracture is a real possibility.  
8. The heroine and hero getting it on in the middle of a fight/escape/apocalyptic scene.  Really, if you have enough time for sexual banter and a quickie, things can’t be that bad.  If the world is coming to an end and the dude I’m with is thinking about his pulsating loins, bring on the zombies, because the new civilization is so screwed.
7. The heroine has just gotten her ass kicked by avenging vampires/shape shifters/mall cops and upon sight of the hero, the first thing she thinks of is her raging lust.  Jeez, I get a hangnail and that’s enough for me to say “Not tonight, honey.”  If I just went jujitsu on someone, pretty sure I’m wanting a massage or an ice pack, not a hot beef injection.
6. Chicks with super long hair fighting like warriors.  Or doing other things that require another human in close proximity.  I have hair that is almost to my waist.  My husband hears the words “You’re on my hair” probably as much as “I love you.”  Long hair goes everywhere, gets yanked out by wayward elbows or stuck between butt cheeks or wrapped around vital parts like a hair tourniquet.  If you’re into acrobatics, I suggest a good tight French braid. 
5. Men who are vocal.  This scares me.  Romance heroes often cry out or shout or give a hedonistic war whoop during sexy times.  No one just grabs the headboard with white knuckles and makes a face that could be confused for seizure activity in any other situation.  For the longest time I thought there was some button I was missing that would make a man lose his mind and speak in tongues.  While a little sound is normal, I think most men are on the quiet side.  It’s bred in them from years of hiding the girlfriend from mom and dad in the next room and then years of trying not to wake the kids.
4. The hero picks the heroine up in his bulging arms and heads for the bedroom, but is so overcome that he can’t even wait to be horizontal.  Sex standing up--unless you have a partner who has He-Man quadriceps--is inviting a charley horse from hell and coitus interruptus via herniation.  After he stops screaming, the mood is kind of killed.
3. The virgin thing.  This still permeates a lot of romances--you know the scene--the heroine goes from quivering neophyte to raging porn queen in sixty seconds flat.  Always gives me a mental flashback of my own deflowering, in which I stared at the popcorn ceiling in my parents’ house and thought, “When does all the shouting for God start?” and “I’m missing COPS for this?”  
2. The overdeveloped olfactory systems of heroes.  The heroine always smells like jasmine or bergamot or rose water.  The hero’s nostrils are tantalized and somehow his nasal passages are connected directly to his groin.  Hmmm, guess I missed that nerve pathway in medical school.  Unless he’s a perfumer, the likelihood of a man being able to identify your smell without coaching is fairly slim.  My hubby is equally as enchanted by the smell of my deodorant as by my favorite scent.  And that’s OK.
1. Sex in the Great Outdoors.  Maybe this has to do with location, location, location.  I’m sure somewhere there is a beautiful field of daisies or a secret waterfall where lovers are transported into a perfect sexual landscape where no one sweats or risks attack by small rodents.  In reality, sex outdoors during a Nebraska July invites a plethora of blood thirsty arthropods to suck out your marrow.  So unless you would like the added sensory pleasure provided by hives on your nether regions, you slather on the OFF, realizing too late that citronella is a lousy aphrodisiac.  So now you smell like a candle, sweat’s dripping in your eyes, and one wrong move puts your ass in a patch of sandburs or worse.  You know the saying: leaves of three, let it be. 
Happy Friday, everybody!  To see more Deja Vu, follow this link!

47 comments:

  1. Love this post!! Thanks for bringing it back into the light. And to this:

    "I would like the pseudo-intelligentsia to stop assuming that readers are silly feeble-minded lemmings who cannot possibly discern fiction from day-to-day living. That a woman with a romance novel is a slobbering porn addict unable of creating a fulfilling relationship outside of fiction central because she’s looking for Mr. Perfect. Hogwash."

    I say, here here!

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  2. Now I'll be up all night with visions of "a plethora of blood thirsty anthropods to suck out your marrow." Oh well, there's always "coitus interruptus via herniation." Thanks for another timeless classic. The only hint of a repeat is your almost waist length hair! Julie

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  3. This was so funny and I loved it!!! They do oversell it but its only fantasy so no problem there!

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  4. I really enjoyed this! What a wonderful sense of humour! *chuckles*

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  5. That was hilarious... I had to tweet it. Great repost! You pretty much nailed it. The shower thing has never been appealing to me. And I'm certainly jealous of any virgin who actually enjoyed her first time. Mine pretty much sucked as well. lol
    Nice to meet you! :)

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  6. "Some of the fantasies portrayed in romances are good--the strong, self sufficient heroine who meets the hero on equal ground, demanding respect and orgasms."

    Ha! That pretty much sums up my last novel! :D

    You are too funny. What a list. I am so disillusioned about sex in novels now.

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  7. Hi Julie! Great one to re-post! I loved it the first time and lovin' it again!

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  8. This was too funny. Great re-post.

    As for the smell thing... In my husband's college marketing class they had a discussion on the limbic system and how it supports a variety of brain functions, namely: emotion, behavior, long term memory, and olfaction. This led to a theory that if someone walks into a store and it smells good, they may subconsciously relate that to a good memory/emotion (because the sensation is processed in the same part of the brain) and will more likely gain a positive impression of the store.

    The professor could also have private stocks in Bath and Body Works...

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  9. This is one of my favorite posts of yours, so glad you picked it!!!

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  10. Nice list. I feel you overlooked how important it is to know eye colour, and toespecially point out the flecks of gold.

    mood
    Moody Writing
    @mooderino
    The Funnily Enough

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  11. This is exactly what this blogfest was for! I LOVED this! I'm also forwarding a link to my wife for her to read it!

    Thanks for taking part in our blogfest and helping to make today be as special as I hoped it could be! :)

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  12. Too funny. Nothing like a little reality check.

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  13. LOL! I totally remember this blog post. It was the first time I ever visited your blog :) I remember thinking you were hilarious! Thanks for the reminder. What a fun blogfest.

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  14. Oh my goodness number 5 just about tipped me over. Soooo funny! Their silence genetically inbred from years of trying to hide their activity. An very much re-posting worthy post! (new follower)

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  15. HAHAHA. Fantastic list! The shower thing just really doesn't work for us either ... haha.

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  16. So true and so funny. I don't get the appeal of men with long hair, and you had me laughing out loud with the shower thing. :)

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  17. I'm so glad you re-posted this. I found it through Deja Vu. So funny! I especially liked the part about the showers. I always think - what about all the mascara running down a woman's cheeks??

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  18. I think you made a good choice for your repost. LOL. Hilarious.

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  19. This. Is. Awesome. I can't stop laughing. "Hedonistic war whoop" wins the day.

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  20. HAHAHA! Julie, this was hilarious! I love your list. I'm not a big romance reader, but I can totally see these elements in the covers that I spy at the bookstore ... especially the men-with-long-hair thing. So funny!

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  21. This is a hilarious post! Well done, Julie! I'm here for the blogfest.

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  22. I'm still laughing about the hernia and the man screaming. lol Great list, Julie.

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  23. Lol, I loved this - great post! It was all so true that I couldn't stop laughing. Thank you for sharing! :)

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  24. This is so funny! I feel the same as you. I want realism not some made up weirdness.

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  25. Hi Julie! This is such a hoot. I'm glad you re-posted it. Fancy missing out on it!

    Thanks for reading about my Oz Christmas!

    Denise

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  26. And never in any of these scenarios do you ever hear a fanny fart (UK fanny, not USA) when being in anything other than the missionary position!
    LMOA!
    DI
    x

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  27. That was hysterical!!!! Yeah, who the heck does it outdoors? There are bugs, people! And places you don't want a mosquito bite.
    The shower thing though... well, no comment.

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  28. This post cracked me up! I'm generally not a fan of romance books though. For one thing, they're generally not realistic. And for another, it just reminds me that I'm alone. One of my friends is a major fan of them and usually buys me some as gifts.

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  29. OMG, I LOVE your list! Cracked me up.

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  30. First, let me say, you're freakin' hilarious! I haven't read a romance novel in probably 20 years, but your list stirs a few loin quivering memories. I have to agree with all but #1. There was one time when my husband and I got busy right at sunset on the 50 yard line of his old high school. It was amazing and something I'll never forget! Of course, I was in my early 20's and crazy, but hey, it's a fabulous memory!

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  31. "-unless you have a partner who has He-Man quadriceps--is inviting a charley horse from hell and coitus interruptus via herniation. After he stops screaming, the mood is kind of killed."

    This is AWESOME stuff, Julie. I love this post. Great pic. I'm still laughing.

    I strive for your quick wit and sassy humor.
    xoRobyn

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  32. PS great "pick" not "pic." In fact, thanks for no pictures.

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  33. Julie,
    Thanks fro stopping by today with your lovely comments. It's been great getting to know you this year. You are a breath of fresh air and a source of constant laughter. Just what the doctor ordered!
    Warm wishes.
    Di
    x

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  34. I remember this post the first time you aired it!

    I remember being surprised at how stock my long-haired male protagonists seem to be since I've never actually read a romance novel ...

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  35. This made me laugh all the way through. I'm so glad I got a chance to read it :-)

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  36. I'm glad I visited. This was so funny and so true about romance novels--still love them, though.

    Have a great week.

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  37. Heh, what a great list! I've always felt I just must not be adventurous enough when it comes to the idea of your #1 item, sex outdoors. I read and read, but never wanted to DO. Bugs, dirt and abrasions, hmmm.

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  38. That had me laughing out loud. I've never read a romance novel, but I feel like those things are in romantic comedies as well.

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  39. Ha! I agree with a lot of this. I'll read plenty of fantasy, but try to get me to believe it's sexy to have sex outside. with mosquitoes. and you've lost me.

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  40. Too funny! I think we share she same reading tastes :)

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  41. Hahahaha so funny. Thanks for re-posting this one. <3

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  42. Lol you have me crying with laughter. Thanks for reposting this. :-D

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  43. Julie, Just wanted to wish you and your family Happy Holidays! Julie

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  44. I love your list of things romance books oversell. I'm going to share it with my friend Meg and see if she giggles.

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  45. I'm so late, but God I LOVED this post!! It had me peeing my pants. I have the same gripes about romance novels. And my fave virgin cliche "I had known you were a virgin, I would have done things differently." Whaa? How?

    And I love the manly lurving that comes after the hero's been shot/stabbed/beat near to death. Really? Nothing like broken ribs and blood loss to excite the nether parts.

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  46. I really had to laugh at this. It's so true! Though, if you've got a blanket or cloak, and it's summer along the Mediterranean, number 1 ain't so bad...

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