Top Ten Things I have learned as a mother

LYRIC O' THE DAY:
She's got cheekbones like geometry and eyes like sin, and she's sexually enlightened by Cosmopolitan
--Lloyd Cole and the Commotions, Perfect Skin

In an effort to pay homage to David Letterman, who remains one of my favorite late night show hosts (despite his penchant for interns), I dedicate this inaugural Friday top ten list.

Top Ten Things I have learned as a Mother:

10.  Spilled chocolate milk, undiscovered for several weeks behind the couch, dries into a substance that rivals titanium.

9.  It takes four bath times to remove Sharpie marker tattoos from a four year old’s belly.

8.  Left to their own devices, little boys will happily eat a five pound bag of gummy worms that you thought was well hidden in the cabinet.  For breakfast.

7.  Character underwear must always be worn backwards so that SpongeBob can see where he’s going.  Explaining this to preschool teachers prevents phone calls regarding possible learning deficits in your child.

6.  The words toot, poop, and wee-wee are the most hilarious in a preschooler’s lexicon and need to be uttered at least thirty times a day.  Each.

5.  The amount of time spent preparing for family fun time is inversely proportional to a five year old’s attention span.

4.  When your son says it’s raining in the basement, do not encourage his imagination.  Immediately check the upstairs bathtub.

3.  Little boys have a knack for picking out the most annoying songs on your Ipod as their favorites.  And explaining what the song “Fat Bottomed Girls” means to a five year old is very awkward.

2.  If you eat paint, you will become an alien

2a.  Always buy non-toxic paint

1.  After a nature walk, always check the bed for pinecones--unless you want a painful and uninvited sexual experience at two in the morning.

Have an excellent Friday!