Saturday, June 18, 2011

Top Ten Things guaranteed to get your doctor's attention

Well I'm standing in the queue, and I can't stand anymore missing you.  And I, I can't stand the pain, and I can't get home 'cause of a hurricane.
--Dead Set on Destruction, Husker Du

Anyone who is in the customer service field knows that there are days when people just say the darndest things.  So this list is a celebration of just a few of the crazy things that I have heard over the years. Most of these came from my time in Houston--oh, those crazy Texans!

Top Ten Things guaranteed to get your doctor’s attention if you say them during the initial interview.  (Disclaimer--not recommended to try these on your own doctor)

10.  “My boyfriend likes to do strange things.  And you know, people aren’t 98.6 degrees everywhere.”  (There is a great xray that goes with this one involving a urinary bladder and a thermometer)

9.  “I am one of the founding members of Mensa, and I prefer to see a doctor with a higher than normal IQ.  I have a short quiz on my medical problems I’d like you to complete before we go any further.”  (Of note, Roland Berrill, an Australian barrister, and Dr. Lancelot Ware, a British scientist/lawyer founded Mensa in England, in 1946 according to Wikipedia.  The above quote came from a forty-two year old Nebraskan.  Just sayin’)

8.   “I was trying to rescue my girlfriend from a meth house when a cat bit me. That’s probably why my tox screen is positive.” (Dude, I’m a doctor, not the DEA.  Just be honest, I’m not judging.)

7.   “I know a guy in a Vegas who owns a brothel if you ever need a new career.”  (Sad  to say there are times I wished I remembered this dude’s name.)

6.    “I was running naked down Dodge Street because the Nephilim were chasing me.” (I’d run too.  Nephilim scare the crap out of me.  But you get more traction if you at least wear tennis shoes.)

5.  “I’m allergic to water.  It makes me bloat.”  (Confirms my theory that 2/3rds of the human body is actually made up of stupid.)

4.    “The government told me to put that spork in my urethra.”  (Colonel Sanders apparently is notorious for giving subliminal messages.) 

3.    “Is belly button lint edible?”  (Only when it's fried.  Everything is edible fried.)

2.    “I had no idea there was a sweet potato in my vagina.  Is that normal?”  (This woman was wearing a habit at the time.  Pretty sure she wasn’t a nun.)

1.    “I was fixing my neighbor’s air conditioner, naked, when I accidentally sat on a crescent wrench.  I used the screwdriver to try to reach it.”  (Sort of doubt he got any more handyman gigs after this one.)

Have a fantastic Saturday!


  1. These are hilarious. I get jokes like this in my email all the time and usually assume they're made up. You might be on to something with #5...

  2. Okay. I knew of one where a potato was used instead of a tampon. Kind of similar.

    Hey girl, you need to put an email sign up widget thing on your blog! I have a request from a friend for that. :)

  3. OMG, those were hilarious... and kinda disturbing. LOL

  4. Great stuff Dr. Having spent time in law enforcement, it never ceases to amaze me the stuff that people need help with.

  5. Hi! I'm here via your pal, Lydia! I'm sure I'll be back. I agree with B.E.....these are hilarious and kinda disturbing!! I've heard that the doctors in ER have seen and heard everything! Eeek!


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