LYRIC O’ THE DAY:
I, I wanna ride my skate. I wanna stay out late. I want a mohawk but mom won’t let me get one
--I Wanna Get a Mohawk, AFI
My children provide an endless source of humor for me, not to mention bring me back to the realm of what truly is important day to day. But I haven’t quite mastered the art of networking at toddler birthday parties. Too much pressure, especially when some parents these days are bigger bullies than the kids.
Top Ten Things NOT to say while at a child’s birthday party if you want the other parents to talk to you:
10. You’re still breast feeding? I’m surprised your kid isn’t burping silicone by now.
9. Your son bears an uncanny resemblance to my husband. *growls*
8. I think kids should be exposed to literature early, that’s why I read to them at every bedtime. Tonight we’re starting Go the F**k to Sleep.
7. Your daughter’s in dance class? I have a pole at home she’s welcome to use.
6. What do you mean you can’t accommodate my request for vegan gluten-free cupcakes with organic Agave syrup icing? Are you trying to kill me with preservatives?
5. Your kid looks just like that banjo player from Deliverance.
4. I was just in the bathroom, and I’ve never seen so much Valium in a medicine cabinet.
3. You are so going in my next novel. I need a vapid former sorority bowhead for the killer zombie scene. Can you look scared for me?
2. I’m going to home school my children. Because I think kids nowadays don’t learn enough about vampires in school. I have an entire curriculum based on Twilight alone.
1. Who wants to do tequila body shots?!