Wednesday, November 9, 2011

And that's why you should never stick a flamingo up your skirt

I never meant to be so bad to you
One thing I said that I would never do
One look from you and I would fall from grace
And that would wipe the smile right from my face
--Heat of the Moment, Asia
I am so fortunate to have met so many super cool bloggers out there, and I feel remiss that I have fallen behind in my awardly duties.

Two wonderful ladies awarded me the 7X7 link award.  Artistic visionary Heather Henry, of Little Red Henry has amazing talent and an eye for the beautiful.  Angela Orlowski-Peart has such a freeing optimism, I love her blog and her avatar.   This bloggery bauble made me have to think, not to mention go back and read some of my former posts.
Moral of that story is I need to refrain from blogging when I drink red wine.
The most beautiful post:  Bohemian vs. bohemian.  Not beautiful in the Bridget Bardot way, but about my heritage so beautiful to me.
The most popular post:  Crop Circles:  Message, Music, or Marsupials?  People want to see stoned wallabies.  Who knew?
The most controversial post:  Are you really what you read?  I don't think anything I write is too controversial, but I did have to take offense to some of the WSJ's offerings during this time.
The most helpful post:  Why Writing is a lot like a Bikini Wax.  If you can tolerate hair removal, writing is easy.
The most surprisingly successful post:  Cramping my Style.  For the woman with not enough black in her closet.
The most underrated post:  Of Fear and Phoebe Cates.  I have been paralyzed by fear so many times in life.  Starting to write has helped me through it.
The most pride-worthy post:  Poetry Schmoetry Blogfest.   It was the first time I’d written an “adult” poem.  It was cathartic.
Also, I have been Versatiled from every direction.  It wasn’t as erotic as it sounds, but I’m still just as happy about it.  I want to thank these ladies so much for bestowing such love on me.  E. Arroyo keeps me up to date on the best links every Friday at Chandara Writes.  Carol Kilgore from Under the Tiki Hut makes me want a pina colada and a cabana boy.  Not necessarily in that order.

To be versatiled fully, you must give seven facts about yourself.  I’m at loss, so I resorted to asking my family if there were certain things they think of when they think of me, and here are a few things they said: 
1.  At my junior prom, I shoved a fake plastic flamingo under my giant tulle dress on a dare and absconded with it.  I returned it Monday morning, but the prom director (my algebra teacher/vicious harpy), forced me to apologize to the entire school over the PA system.  As if prom could not suck more.

2.  I was attacked by a fighting cock as a child.  As in an uber-violent chicken.  Still have the scars and a fear of poultry.  Dad said he made good soup.
3.  Using an ironing board, I surfed in the showers of my sorority house at 3am, singing Beach Boys’ songs.  I might have been inebriated, but it was winter in Nebraska and perhaps I was also just a bit stir crazy.  This resulted in a letter from the house mom, a moratorium on shower use after 11pm, and the removal of the community ironing kit.
4.  As a toddler, I enjoyed washing my bottles in the toilet.  (Thanks, Mom.  Now I know.)
Would you like some E. coli with that?

5.  When I was little, I thought babies came out of your knees.  After all, whenever ladies on television had babies, their knees were up in the air.  Imagine my shock when I found out they actually come out of a way different joint.

Not where babies come from.
6.  I have fed baby pigs from a bottle.  Awwwww.

7.  I wanted to be a country music singer when I was a teenager.  Here is one of my songs; please cringe with me:
No I don’t have a Mercedes Benz
My skirt’s hemmed up with safety pins
I like bar-b-que, on a summer’s day
You can keep your brie and your chardonnay.
‘Cause I’m a beer and pretzels kind of girl
Trying to make it in a wine and cheese world
They’ve tried to change me but it’s always the same
This is the way I was born, and the way I remain
No I don’t have a cellular phone
Most Friday nights you’ll find me at home
I like football games and shopping malls
Opera it don’t interest me at all
No I don’t wear Christian Dior
My shirts are too tight and my jeans are torn
You won’t find me shopping Saks Fifth Avenue
I don’t pick my friends by the price of their shoes

I'd like to pass the love for the 7X7 award to Sarah Ahiers, of Falen Formulates Fiction and L.G. Smith of Bards and Prophets.  For versatility, I have to go with Rawknrobyn and Becky from Writer Searching for Bliss.

Once again, thanks to all of you who stop by and share some of your valuable time with me.  Have a country fried day!  


  1. Using #1 & #3 as a yardstick...I'm willing to bet that you were a bit of a wild child growing up! Hmmmmm??

  2. OMG I LOVE those lyrics.....

  3. I laughed the whole way through this!

  4. Congrats on the awards. Both well deserved. That was fun going through your closets looking at your old posts. And thanks for passing on the 7x7!

    Also, is it weird that I want to take that baby pig home with me and keep it in my pocket? So cute.

  5. Ha ha!! Love all the new things about you!!!
    I think you would be way fun to hang with.
    I'm a beer and pretzels kind of girl, but not exactly a country girl. (but more of a country girl than a city girl. Confusing, right?!)

  6. >>...I surfed in the showers of my sorority house at 3am, singing Beach Boys’ songs.

    Now that's pretty interesting considering that (according to one of your other blog bits) you can't swim and are afraid of large bodies of water.

    By the way, I love, Love, LOVE The Beach Boys! All their stuffs - from the sand, surf 'n' car-tunes ("Fun,Fun,Fun"; "California Girls", etc.) to the serious 'n' sad ("I Just Wasn't Made For These Times"; "Caroline No", etc.) to the relatively unknown masterpieces of beauty ("Disney Girls [1957]"; "Good Timin'", etc.)

    Do you know "Long Promised Road"? That's one of my all-time Top 5 favorite B.B. songs. Check it out at YouTube sometime. It's a very inspirational 'fighting back' song for when life has you by the throat and is trying to beat you into submission. (I'd love to see you open a blog bit with a snippet from those LYRICS someday!)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

  7. I love your seven facts - very enlightening :-)

  8. DL--I have this problem with the need to make people laugh, and it's gotten me into trouble on several occasions.

    Delores--I didn't think they were half bad--and hell, I was a teenager referencing brie!

    Alex--Ah, mission accomplished then.

    L.G.--they are darn cute. I can see why George Clooney had one as a pet

    Kelly--I would love to go to a concert with you. We may get arrested or make it into a VH1 Behind the Music documentary.

    Stephen--The Beach Boys are a favorite, for two reasons. My brother had the Endless Summer Compilation and when I was a toddler I was mesmerized by the cover apparently. When I grew up a little, I loved the music for its ability to uplift--and also because those seemingly happy songs hid someone in so much pain. I love how music can alter your mood.

    Sarah--If you want to know about a person, ask them about prom.

  9. Ref: I might have been inebriated,


    These were all too funny. I can't decide which one was the best, the flamingo, the baby knees, or the soupy cock.

    --oh wait, that last one didn't come out right.

  10. Angry chickens are scary things. (And yeah, I got attacked, too, just not from a fighting rooster and I didn't actually get hurt.)

    Great post. You must've had an interesting time getting to adulthood. Awesome stories all. =o)

  11. LOL. My grandma told us babies came out of our armpit. Go figure. LMAO.

  12. Your post titles are instant classics Dr.

    I am searching YouTube right now to see if there is video evidence of that shower surfing incident.

  13. I love that half of your facts involve getting in trouble and bottles. You are too funny, Julie :)

  14. Great stuff Julie, though I'm still trying to work out how babies would come out of your knees... :-)

  15. Great title and you showed us how you could play by the rules and still be very entertaining! Congratulations on your awards, and in addition to all of your talents, you could still make it big in country music. Julie

  16. Congrats on your awards! And oh my god that pig is adorable!!

  17. Knees huh?That certainly would make a Pap smear a lot less traumatic, LOL!

  18. I would so LOVE to actually hear you sing that song. Great lyrics! Sigh. XD

    Congrats on your awards!

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  20. That baby pig picture is SO CUUUUUUUUUUUTE. And wow, that would have been so scary being attacked by the rooster. Damn bird. Oh well, he got his!!

  21. Great review its always interesting to see other options thanks xx.. hair removal

  22. Very well deserved m'dear! You are my daily laughter - good for the soul :-)

  23. Thanks for the laugh. I love those lyrics!

  24. Congrats on your awards! LOL, I think this might be the best title for a post I've ever seen. Definitely caught my attention while browsing through my reading list! :)

    Great post, and I love the little pig!! :D

  25. Hello there,
    I am just popping over from Alex's blog hop. I have been trying to do a few a day or when I get some free time. I'm sorry it's taken me a while to get around to you, it's just that there are so many phew!! So "hello" and great blog. I will pop by as often as I can. Good to "meet" you.
    Eve :)

  26. Jules, what a super post! Haven't thought of Asia in a while.

    Just left a comment on a back post. [Love doing that.]

    Also, I am glad for your plastic flamingo escapade, despite the scars it has left, if only so that the recounting could undeniably brighten my morning.


  27. Why should you have to apologize for having a flamingo under your skirt? I mean, come on.

  28. Hardest I've laughed all day:

    "When I was little, I thought babies came out of your knees. After all, whenever ladies on television had babies, their knees were up in the air. Imagine my shock when I found out they actually come out of a way different joint."

  29. Hahaha! So cute--thanks for sharing. ;)

  30. You were attacked by a fighting cock and still managed to stick a flamingo up your skirt. All the same, I like your song.

    Happy Weekend!

  31. You know, I'm not the biggest fan of awards but I really enjoy reading the stuff people write about themselves. Very interesting.

  32. Maria--I'm pretty sure I've seen a reference to soupy cock in some of the lesser quality erotica novels I've read

    B.E.--chicken attacks are on the rise. Warn the masses.

    E.--Is deodorant like a contraceptive then?

    Slamdunk--this was before the era of cellphone video, so thankfully no evidence exists

    Angela--you're right--bottle + me = trouble. That's something I need to remember

    Annalisa--can't be any tighter of a fit than the other place

    ENI--Well, Billy Ray Cyrus made it with a mullet, so maybe it isn't as hard as one would think

    Liz--when they are little they are super adorable. Grown up, not so much.

    Lydia--It'd be called the Pat Smear. As in patella. Damn, I crack myself up.

    Cherie--If you take me out to a karaoke bar some time, I'd be happy to make your ears bleed

    CoriAnne--microsoft can be stabby. feel free to email me at the link on my profile page.

    Trisha--I know, I just want to put him in my pocket and take him everywhere I go

    microdermabrasion--thanks. keep exfoliating, it's good for the soul.

    YONKS--Thanks, lady! What a beautiful thing to say.

    Carrie--Thanks! You should see my song about heartbreak. That's a Grammy Award winner, for sure.

    Julie--I'm just hoping it doesn't attract people into bird porn. Because I'm sure that's a fetish somewhere

    Eve E.--Hi!! Welcome to my delusions. Alex is an amazing guy, glad to see you here--that list is daunting, I agree.

    Suze--I heard it on the way to work and knew it had to be a lyric. And that flamingo story is one of the only funny things I remember from being in high school. I was a tad awkward.

    Rain--I know. It's not like I poured pig's blood on anyone or burned the place down. People are so sensitive about prom.

    JM--Had I realized it sooner, it's possible I would never have had children

    LB--thanks for stopping by!! Glad to make you laugh.

    Carol--The flamingo seemed like less of a threat--I mean, they're pink. How can you be mean when you're such a happy color?

    Rusty--It's like a brief snapshot of what goes on in another person's brain. And judging by the above, I am somewhat disturbed

  33. LOL, congrats Julie! I love the song and the baby pig. And you were a riot in school. Nothing quite as bad as being attacked by a cock...well, maybe a few things. Glad you survived and no one was taking bets. :)

  34. I think I've been in LaLa Land, because somehow I missed this post. Congrats on all of the awards. The seven facts about you are very interesting. :D Grumpy cocks are no fun, especially when they're chasing you. That little pig is sooo cute. And wow, your song is awesome.


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