But don't feed them after midnight: multiplying memes

LYRIC O’ THE DAY:

My end, it justifies my means.

--Before I Forget, Slipknot

Bloggy Memes are the internet form of Mogwais.  They multiple quickly, and it can be difficult to figure out what to do with them.  Still, they are damn adorable, and I love you all for thinking of me. 

I have received some fab awards here of late, and it’s now time to acknowledge the fab people that passed on their bloggy lovin’ to me. 

Trisha over at Word + Stuff gave me a Kreativ Blogging Award.  The tithe is to list 6 things about little ol’ me.

Kathleen over at Reading, Writing and Life gave me a Sunshine Award, which is just such a great thing.  Makes me want to dance to Katrina and the Waves.  It comes with some specific questions to answer.

Wendy at The Red Angel gave me a Sunshine Award and a Lucky 7 Meme.  The Lucky 7 is pretty cool, you take your current ms, go to page 77, go 7 lines from the top and those next 7 lines are your tithe.

Suze at Analog Breakfast gave me a Versatile Blogger award, too, and she wants 7 more random facts about yours truly.

So without further ado, here is a plethora of memes.  You might want to make sure your blender is working--not sure what these things will do once I start to feed ‘em, and it’s getting close to midnight.

Six random facts about me:

1.  I find commercials that feature talking food really creepy, especially that Chips Ahoy commercial where the cookie has eyeballs.  Why would something I'm going to eat tell me how good it tastes and want me to eat it?  

Ooooo. . .wait, is this Freudian?  Because if I think like an anthropologist (see my last post) that means Chips Ahoy is trying to make me think of sex and chocolate chips. 

  

2.  I love garage sales with a mad passion.  My dad and I spend spring and summer digging through other people’s junk.  I’m hoping to have an American Pickers moment of greatness one day, maybe find a Monet and live for the rest of my life on easy street.  Or maybe I'll just find Suze's Cap'n Crunch Fire King mug, which would be almost as good.

I'm coming for you, Cap'n.

3.  This is one of my favorite pieces of art, an oil painting by a Polish guy named Beksinski.  They're apocalyptic lovers, and it really strikes a nerve in me.  To me, it symbolizes the kind of love that if you had just moments to live before annihilation, you'd wrap yourself around the other person and never let go.

4.  I am double jointed and can put both legs behind my head like a pretzel.  Strange how I didn't have more dates in college.  

5.  I was a Teacher’s Aide for a Human Physiology lab in college.  Consequently, I can castrate a rat in less than 5 minutes.  It takes me a little longer if he gets to his car first.

6.  The first real concert I went to was Metallica (pre-haircut and Napster) in Des Moines, Iowa.  I was almost smashed on the mosh pit floor until this giant burly dude pulled me from the fray like a tattooed god reaching from the heavens.  I'm still a fan of big burly tattooed guys, just look at my romance selections.  FYI, Gena Showalter has awesome tattooed warrior dudes.  

And another seven random facts about me:

1.  My husband and I are the product of a one-night stand that has turned into 15 years.  You can meet someone you'll love forever in a bar, I'm living proof.


2.  I love to be scared--one of my dream trips would be to go to the Stanley hotel (of The Shining fame) and spend a night.  Just as long as there are no clowns involved.  Clowns scare the freaking hell out of me.

The Stanley Hotel.  Just looks scary.

3.  When I’m tense, I pick at my pinky toenails.  As a result, they are horrifically deformed.  Think Hobbit feet.

4.  I hate turtlenecks on men.

5.   I’m a huge fan of musicals--Pippin and A Chorus Line are my favorites.  I briefly entertained a musical theater major in college.  Now I just sing in the shower.


6.  I know all the lines to The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  My fave song is “Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me.”

7.  I can do a pretty good imitation of Animal from the Muppets screaming “WOMAN!!”  

Specific questions about me from the Sunshine Award:

Favorite Color: Green.  

Favorite Animal: The Honey Badger.  They’re small, ferocious, can use tools, and secrete a substance from their anal glands that can calm bees.  What’s not to love?  

Favorite Number: 13.  No triskaidekaphobia here.

Favorite Non-Alcoholic Drink: Ice tea, unsweetened.   On the alcohol side, I love red wine and red beer.

Facebook or Twitter:  I like Twitter, because it’s one of those things where the name really does describe what it is.  I find Facebook odd--there’s a lot of sharing of things I don’t think necessarily should be shared, even if it is only with 10,134 of your closest friends.  Facebook also makes me realize that some of the people I know are narcissistic, self righteous assholes.  And the rest of the people I know just like cat videos.

My Passions: My family.  I have two little boys that hung the moon and make me remember what living is all about (some days the definition of success is watching Scooby Doo videos while wrapped in a warm blanket).  I also love to run, and I don’t feel right if I don’t go at least five times a week, even if it’s only for a mile.  Finally, I love to make people laugh--humor is what gets me through the day.

Getting or Giving Presents:  I am obsessed with gift giving--it’s nearly a sport to find the perfect gift for people I know.  I love finding something unique that totally defines that person.  I'm so not a gift card gal, unless I'm desperate.

Favorite Pattern: Paisley.

Favorite Day of the Week:  Any day I don’t have to work my normal job.

Favorite Flower:  Irises and lilies are tied.

Finally, here is the Lucky 7 meme.  This excerpt is from my novel, “Wheel of Fortune.” It's the story of Jorga Volf, disgraced plastic surgeon forced to move home and reconcile with her family--a clan of Czechoslovakian carnies who run their tiny town like a redneck mafia.  Page 77, seven lines down goes a little like this:

About three years ago there was an earthquake in Nebraska, only about an hour from here.  It lasted fifteen seconds and rated 3.5 on the Richter scale.  My fourth cousin Joey became a local celebrity after the ABC affiliate from Omaha came out and interviewed him regarding his injuries.  He’d been on the toilet when it happened, and a bottle of Liquid Plumber fell out of the cabinet and beamed him right on the head, putting him in a coma for three days.  Guy still stutters.

I was perched on the bathroom vanity, trying out this purifying facial masque Stasia had when the house suddenly shook with a force so violent, I accidentally poked myself in the eye with a clay covered finger.  Limited by monocular vision, I stumbled out of the bathroom into the hallway just as another shock went through the house, this time accompanied with a deafening explosion of glass.

Thanks all of you for sending me your memes and thinking of me; I hope I didn't miss anyone.  Lately I've been a little thin in the blogging department--when life starts getting hectic, it seems to be one of the first things I have to put a hold on.  Stuff like this makes me remember how much I love the writerly community.  Have a fantastic weekend!!

And for those of you (Mr. McCarthy, where are you?) who came solely for the nudity I promised?  Here ya go:

Will Ferrell, naked.  You're welcome.

And that's why you should never stick a flamingo up your skirt

LYRIC O’ THE DAY:

I never meant to be so bad to you

One thing I said that I would never do

One look from you and I would fall from grace

And that would wipe the smile right from my face

--Heat of the Moment, Asia

I am so fortunate to have met so many super cool bloggers out there, and I feel remiss that I have fallen behind in my awardly duties.

Two wonderful ladies awarded me the 7X7 link award.  Artistic visionary Heather Henry, of Little Red Henry has amazing talent and an eye for the beautiful.  Angela Orlowski-Peart has such a freeing optimism, I love her blog and her avatar.   This bloggery bauble made me have to think, not to mention go back and read some of my former posts.

Moral of that story is I need to refrain from blogging when I drink red wine.

The most beautiful post:  Bohemian vs. bohemian.  Not beautiful in the Bridget Bardot way, but about my heritage so beautiful to me.

The most popular post:  Crop Circles:  Message, Music, or Marsupials?  People want to see stoned wallabies.  Who knew?

The most controversial post:  Are you really what you read?  I don't think anything I write is too controversial, but I did have to take offense to some of the WSJ's offerings during this time.

The most helpful post:  Why Writing is a lot like a Bikini Wax.  If you can tolerate hair removal, writing is easy.

The most surprisingly successful post:  Cramping my Style.  For the woman with not enough black in her closet.

The most underrated post:  Of Fear and Phoebe Cates.  I have been paralyzed by fear so many times in life.  Starting to write has helped me through it.

The most pride-worthy post:  Poetry Schmoetry Blogfest.   It was the first time I’d written an “adult” poem.  It was cathartic.

Also, I have been Versatiled from every direction.  It wasn’t as erotic as it sounds, but I’m still just as happy about it.  I want to thank these ladies so much for bestowing such love on me.  E. Arroyo keeps me up to date on the best links every Friday at Chandara Writes.  Carol Kilgore from Under the Tiki Hut makes me want a pina colada and a cabana boy.  Not necessarily in that order.

To be versatiled fully, you must give seven facts about yourself.  I’m at loss, so I resorted to asking my family if there were certain things they think of when they think of me, and here are a few things they said: 

1.  At my junior prom, I shoved a fake plastic flamingo under my giant tulle dress on a dare and absconded with it.  I returned it Monday morning, but the prom director (my algebra teacher/vicious harpy), forced me to apologize to the entire school over the PA system.  As if prom could not suck more.

2.  I was attacked by a fighting cock as a child.  As in an uber-violent chicken.  Still have the scars and a fear of poultry.  Dad said he made good soup.

  

3.  Using an ironing board, I surfed in the showers of my sorority house at 3am, singing Beach Boys’ songs.  I might have been inebriated, but it was winter in Nebraska and perhaps I was also just a bit stir crazy.  This resulted in a letter from the house mom, a moratorium on shower use after 11pm, and the removal of the community ironing kit.

4.  As a toddler, I enjoyed washing my bottles in the toilet.  (Thanks, Mom.  Now I know.)

Would you like some E. coli with that?

5.  When I was little, I thought babies came out of your knees.  After all, whenever ladies on television had babies, their knees were up in the air.  Imagine my shock when I found out they actually come out of a way different joint.

Not where babies come from.

6.  I have fed baby pigs from a bottle.  Awwwww.

7.  I wanted to be a country music singer when I was a teenager.  Here is one of my songs; please cringe with me:

No I don’t have a Mercedes Benz

My skirt’s hemmed up with safety pins

I like bar-b-que, on a summer’s day

You can keep your brie and your chardonnay.

‘Cause I’m a beer and pretzels kind of girl

Trying to make it in a wine and cheese world

They’ve tried to change me but it’s always the same

This is the way I was born, and the way I remain

No I don’t have a cellular phone

Most Friday nights you’ll find me at home

I like football games and shopping malls

Opera it don’t interest me at all

{chorus}

No I don’t wear Christian Dior

My shirts are too tight and my jeans are torn

You won’t find me shopping Saks Fifth Avenue

I don’t pick my friends by the price of their shoes

{chorus}


I'd like to pass the love for the 7X7 award to Sarah Ahiers, of Falen Formulates Fiction and L.G. Smith of Bards and Prophets.  For versatility, I have to go with Rawknrobyn and Becky from Writer Searching for Bliss.

Once again, thanks to all of you who stop by and share some of your valuable time with me.  Have a country fried day!  

Seven Things I Googled and what does it mean about me?

LYRIC O’ THE DAY:

And when it rains, you're shining down for me.

--I Just Can't Get Enough, Depeche Mode

The lovely Raelyn Barclay has given me an award.  The Versatile Blogger comes with a few rules.  One is to thank the giver with virtual chocolate and praise.  The next is to pass it on from anywhere from 5 to 15 other bloggers depending on what meme lore you follow.  Last, but not least, is to share seven things about yourself with others.

I wanted to give you seven things about me, alas, I fear I spent my wad last time.  I guess I’ll just have to dig deeper, give you all a look into my twisted psyche.

You may want to stop reading now.  And this is NSFW.

In the course of writing, I do a lot of oddball research, especially for the blog.  People always say that you can tell a lot about a person by what they read--so I wonder if it’s the same about what they Google?  Does Stephen King actually spend sleepless nights surfing for cat videos on YouTube?   Does Nicholas Sparks relish Norwegian death metal on iTunes?  

I'll let you be the judge:  here are seven things I Googled and what do they mean about me?

“badger, badger, badger, mushroom, mushroom”  

This lovely little ditty is something psychotic thought up by cartoonists on acid.  I thank Jennifer Armentrout for bringing it back to the forefront of my conscious mind.

“loud insect penis”

I am obsessed with The Bloggess.  If you do not follow this woman and love irreverent humor and occasional insanity about big metal chickens, you should check her out--not at work, though.  Or in front of children.  Anyway, she had this post about the record for the loudest noise made by an animal.  And not to spoil it, but it’s an insect.  That sings with its penis.  And that led me to:

“the world’s most terrifying penises,"  which actually is an 8 part series by Dave Littler  which coincidentally led me back to The Bloggess for this very disturbing video on leopard slugs mating.  And so the circle is completed.

“do fish have vaginas”

They do.  They’re called cloacae.  Most fish do not have penises, interestingly enough.  So merfolk will have to get creative.  Or take a cue from leopard slugs and use their heads.

“Monte Python sperm is sacred”   I was looking for the lyrics of this song.  Kind of amusing how it came out, like a fan club gone very wrong.

The Monte Python Fan Club.  Get a blue dress and something extra!

“rocky mountain oysters from sheep or cow?”  Because when eating testicles, one should know what species they come from.  It’s just respect.

“medieval chastity belts”  I was doing a little anniversary shopping. Hubs and I celebrated nine years this week.

This one from by-the-sword.com looks particularly comfy.

Thanks again to Raelyn for the blog love!  And before I forget, here's your chocolate.

Here are five wonderful blogs you should check out--I'm passing on some Versatile love:

Critique Sisters Corner

The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful

Analog Breakfast

Chandara Writes

The Blutonian Death Egg

Have a beautiful day, everybody!

Seven Things You Didn't Really Want to Know About Me, but I'm Telling You Anyway.

LYRIC O’ THE DAY:

Expectations only mean you really think you know what’s coming next

And you don’t.

--These Important Years, Husker Du

I am totally honored to have been chosen for some delicious blog awards.  First, from Alynza at The Write Journey is the Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award AND a Versatile Blogger award.  I want to eat the first one, and then write a dissertation of the existential plight of man while changing the oil on my Jeep with the other.  Because I'm versatile.  I also received the Versatile Blogger from S.B. at Writing the Other, so I was doubly versatiled.  I am finally receiving recognition for my ability to multitask!  No longer can people give me grief when I call them while in the bathroom.

As part of the tithe for these bits of glory, I am supposed to share seven things about me and then pass the torch to five other bloggers.  Doing this exercise made me realize that I need to start doing some interesting things with my days, because I'm a little vanilla here.

Seven Things about me:

1.  When I cut things, I unconsciously move my jaw up and down with each bite of the scissors.  I can’t stop myself and it drives people crazy.  Once I made a set of paper dinosaurs for my son and had lockjaw for three days afterwards.

2.  I was going to be a theater major until a bizarre little man who resembled Beetlejuice (aka my college advisor) talked me out of it.  Now I can only reminisce about my high school performance as Abigail in The Crucible.  I was the state of Nebraska's best actress in Class B in 1989, by the gods!  I coulda been a contender!  Consider yourself fortunate for my misstep on the career pathway, Winona Ryder.

I saw Goody Proctor with the Devil!!

3.  I am irrationally afraid of clowns, which stems from watching Poltergeist at too young an age.  The hospital where I work has a clown day once a month, and every freaking time I end up trapped on the elevator with them.  They try to talk to me and all I can do is punch the button frantically and whimper.  I don’t think there’s a diagnosis code for “clown-related psychosis.”  I can't even post a picture of my fear, so instead I offer fuzzy baby kittens:

4.  I nearly died as a baby from Rh disease, also known as hemolytic disease of the newborn.  Basically my mother formed antibodies to my blood.  I was born premature at the University, hospitalized for transfusions and got septic with E.coli.  I know this because I found my hospital records on microfiche when I got into the University medical school.  I never knew before that.  And I've felt lucky to be alive ever since.  Also might explain my vampire fixation.

5.  I love high heels.  I arrange them by amounts of time I can stand wearing them.  Thick platform heels are the best for work, those are usually my 12 hour heels.  The others all vary between 6 and 10 hour heels.  Flats steal my power.

My favorite heels.  These are all 12 hour babies.

6.  I know how to can.  As in preserve vegetables for posterity.  Every year I make sauces, salsa, and pickled things.  When the zombie apocalypse comes, I will be quite comfortable in my underground bunker.

7.  I worked construction with my dad for two summers when I was in college.  One of my jobs was to be “the vibrator girl.”  This involves a large canister vacuum-looking device with a wand on the end that--you guessed it--vibrates.  You plunge said wand into wet cement in order to vibrate out the holes of air that may be trapped.  It’s much less erotic than it sounds.

Judging by this picture the construction tool business is not above sexual exploitation.

Now I pass the love to some very worthy bloggers that I want to know more about:


A.G. at Rejected Riter
B.E. Sanderson at The Writing Spectacle
Maggie at The Unibrow
Lexcade at Going from Nobody to Somebody
Liz at Home is where the Cat Is